What’s the deal with Trash Bags?

I don’t know if it’s just me, but trash bags lately suck. Something very strange must be happening in the trash bag industry. So strange that I find myself constantly thinking about trash bags to the point where buying them gives me anxiety.

It used to be that my only issue with trash bags was that I occasionally bought the wrong size. You know, when you accidentally get bags that are too small, and then you struggle to pull them over the trash can, only to give up and let half the bag flop awkwardly into the can, but you also don’t care enough and then try to buy the right size next time. That’s my fault.

Because really, what else could go wrong with trash bags? They have the most basic set of requirements: 1) contain trash and 2) allow me to take out the trash. That’s the bare minimum functionality for a bag: something you’d think humans would have optimized over tens of thousands of years. And yet, in the last year, most of the trash bags I’ve bought have failed to meet even those basic requirements.

Two years ago, I decided to buy household items like trash bags or sponges in larger quantities so I’d only need to stock up once or twice a year. A very adult move, I thought. And everything was fine for a while. Then, earlier this year, I opened a roll of trash bags where most of the bags had long slits down the sides, making them completely unusable. Okay, I thought, probably just a manufacturing defect. No big deal, I have other rolls. But every roll I opened after that had the same issue. All defective.

With that in mind, I obviously switched to a different brand. And let me tell you, this marked the beginning of my trash-bag-induced anxiety—and the most infuriating experience I’ve had with any product in a long time.

These new bags weren’t defective in the same way. They looked fine at first. But they ripped open constantly. They ripped inside the trash can, spilling garbage everywhere. They ripped when I tried to lift them out, leaving trash in the can. One time, they ripped open at the very last moment, right in front of the dumpster downstairs, dumping my trash all over the sidewalk.

I tried double-bagging: they ripped. I tried triple-bagging: they still ripped. I thought maybe I was overfilling them or making them too heavy, and so I started taking out the trash when the bag was not even half full. They still ripped. I wondered if something sharp in the trash can was puncturing them, so I tried it once outside the can. It still ripped open.

Those bags were the bane of my existence. After some time—I first had to process the fact that a product can really be that shitty—I bought a different brand. This time just two rolls, and I specifically chose bags that advertised themselves as “tear-proof”. I think it’s kinda odd that they have to advertise this at all, considering that holding trash in the bag is a basic requirement for trash bags, but I won’t complain if they will do the job.

I arrived at home, weirdly excited about having new trash bags, opened them up, tore off a bag from the roll, and … it had no handle. Confused, I tore off another bag, thinking that I did something wrong. But no—there was no strap, no handle, nothing. They have no handle!? They’re just a plastic tube with one end sealed shut!

I was dumbfounded. I had never seen anything like this. How are you supposed to tie these up? Where do you hold them to carry the trash downstairs? What were they thinking?

While it was still possible to tie them up, you end up with no handle to carry it downstairs in dignity, and you shouldn’t fill them up too much because you need enough material left to tie them up.

Even though I still felt anxious every time I took out the trash—bracing myself for the moment the bag’s molecules would spontaneously decide to disintegrate—they didn’t rip open. So, I guess, one out of two requirements met.

Now I’ve bought yet another kind of bag. One that claims to be both tear-proof and has a strap. Maybe this will finally end my misery. I’m still skeptical.

But something feels off with this industry when a product has to boldly claim that it meets the bare minimum of requirements. This isn’t the first time I’m using trash bags, this used to be different!